Jerry Jones Posts Daily Routine to Let Cowboys Fans Know They’re in Good Hands

Jerry responded to a viral video over the weekend with a detailed look into his own daily routine.

3:55 AM – Dream about Dolly Parton begins to fade. She’s undoing the top buttons of her glittering blouse. I whisper, “Please… just one look before the grave claims me.” The buttons jam. She sighs. The screen goes black. Every morning begins with a near win.

3:58 AM – Wake up in a cold sweat. Unsure where I am. Yacht? Helicopter? Presidential Suite inside AT&T Stadium shaped like my face? Doesn’t matter. I’m alive. Time to make every Cowboys employee wish they weren’t.

4:02 AM – Brush teeth with industrial strength bleach paste. The taste of betrayal and expired steak lingers. Rinse with warm milk... organic, unpasteurized, delivered daily from a cow I named “Emmitt.”

4:04 AM – Step out onto the balcony in a robe made from retired Cowboys QB jerseys. Gaze out over the Dallas kingdom. Whisper “Soon” to no one in particular. Drink Milk.

4:22 AM – Handwritten Letter Hour. Sacred. Unskippable.

Handwrite note to Troy Aikman: “You’re like the son I always wanted... strong jaw, strong arm, emotionally distant.”

Note to my actual son: “Why aren’t you Troy Aikman?”

Note to Tony Romo: “So happy with Dak. Really. Couldn’t be happier. Anyway, please come back and have a glass of milk with me for old times sake.”

Note to Dak: “You’re like a son to me. Possibly. I was drinking a lot in the '90s. Either way, you’ll never be Aikman or Romo. Stay humble.”

Drink Milk between each letter. Hydration is key.

4:48 AM – Gym time. No lifting. No cardio. Just pacing the locker room in the nude. A dominance display as old as war. Wait until someone breaks eye contact with the ol’ Texas walnuts then bam... stretch time. Naked lunges, power poses, milk in hand. Confidence is contagious. So is discomfort.

5:48 AM – Time for international business development. Fire off a dozen electronic mails to various Nigerian princes. “Yes, I accept your proposal. Let’s unlock your inheritance together.” I don’t know what blockchain is, but I want in. Drink Milk.

6:22 AM – Tummy rumbles. Better drink more Milk.

6:38 AM – Daily calls to employees begin.

Male staff: Growling threats, vague demands, occasional accusations of weakness.

Female staff: Compliments like “You’ve got that winning smile… but more of it would really boost morale.”

HR: Perpetually on hold.

Drink Milk in between calls.

7:38 AM – Milk.

8:20 AM – Werthers and Milk.

9:20 AM – Realize half the day is already gone. Curse time. Curse God. Curse Romo. Pick up pen and begin another round of letters. Someone must know how I feel. Preferably Romo. Maybe Dez. Nah, Romo.

10:38 AM – Matlock rerun. This is where I do my real thinking. Watch Andy Griffith solve crimes using Southern charm and ancient legal loopholes. I take notes. Drink Milk.

11:22 AM – Find a photo of Dolly in an old Cowboys media guide. Whisper “It should’ve been me” to no one. Drink Milk trying to envision a Velcro top for my next dream.

11:59 AM – Noon approaches. The world stirs. The league wakes. Jerry, however, has been awake for hours... plotting, flexing, milking, and writing notes to ex-quarterbacks.

12:59 PM – Power Nap Time. One more glass of Milk before I wake up a new Jerry.

1:48 PM – Return to Gym. New afternoon prey. New rookies. New business interns who were told there was an impromptu meeting and “a leadership opportunity.” Same nudity. Same Milk. Same unblinking eye contact. The power must be maintained.

2:59 PM – It's getting late. Why am I still so thirsty? I've been drinking from Emmitt all day.

3:13 PM – Go to make stool.

Nothing comes out but Milk.

I whisper to myself: “It’s working.”

I am cleansed. I have never been stronger.

A single tear rolls down my cheek and lands in the bowl. I look down, nothing but milk. I drink it. I don’t question it.

4:10 PM – ? Seem to have lost track of time. But not milk. Drinks more milk.

4:38 PM – Cowboy Meditation. Eyes closed. Count to five. Skip four. six. seven. eight. Pause at eight, great number. Resent nine. Feel the Milk within.

5:00 PM – Candlelit Strategy Hour.

Review game film from own playing career trying to uncover where it went wrong. Scented candles. Heavy Milk. Notebook scribbles: “Trade for Johnny Unitas?”

6:15 PM – Dinner. One steak. Rare. No sides. No fork. Milk in a goblet.

7:50 PM – Final Letters.

To Future Jerry: “You're doing great, handsome. No time to self reflect king, just drink more milk.”

8:10 PM – Final Staff Message using company electronic mail.

“Even the calf must one day lead the herd, or be eaten or milked. But not today.”

Log off. Leave them confused.

8:37 PM – Final Milk.

8:57 PM – Sleep.

Drift off into a dream of 90's. Of buttons undone. Of Cowboys victorious.