Zack Snyder Announces “Snyderverse” of Disney Classics With More Fuckable Princesses
LOS ANGELES — Director Zack Snyder announced today the launch of the Snyderverse of Disney Classics, a bold cinematic overhaul of beloved childhood films featuring “more emotional depth, more slow motion, and substantially more fuckable princesses.”
The announcement was made beneath a rain soaked billboard featuring a shirtless, masculine Prince Eric cradling a bloodied, improbably buxom, unmistakably Irish Ariel… Her pale cleavage glistening under a CGI thunderstorm. Snyder addressed the press with his signature intensity.
“These characters have been sanitized for too long,” Snyder declared. “It’s time to rip off the glitter, rub in some dirt, and let audiences see what would really happen if Elsa had an exposed six pack, popped Zyns, and had crowd calming, room silencing breasts that speak directly to the heart of men between the ages of 37 and 62.”
The first installment in the series, “Snow White and the Seven Dudes She Watches UFC With and Sometimes Bangs”, is set for a 2026 release. It stars Snow White as a bro-like but unthreatening smokeshow 22 year old who’s “funny in a ‘hang with the boys’ way,” has no formal education, and still somehow exudes “wholesome hot girl energy,” according to Snyder.
“She’s got that classic 70s-90s Disney physique we all fell in love with as kids and still expect at age 51,” Snyder explained, gesturing at concept art featuring a 105-pound frame supporting what he called “strategically nostalgic breasts.” “But grounded in modern realism. The kind of realism where she can field dress a deer, quote Joe Rogan, and doesn’t ask follow-up questions.”
Snyder was quick to shut down criticisms that he was just sexing up the classics. “I’m not just making them hotter,” he said, pausing dramatically. “Although… yeah, they will be objectively, undeniably hotter. But they’ll also have emotional arcs. Arcs middle-aged men can relate to. They’re strong, vulnerable, have no tattoos, and they absolutely love being ignored during March Madness.”
In Snyder’s vision, the princesses don’t sing to animals anymore. “They’ll train with you to hunt the animals,” he said. “So you can go on hunting trips where she knows not to talk during the drive, understands what 'taking a break from talking' means, and never asks if you’re mad at her.”
Leaked concept art has already sent Twitter into a meltdown. Cinderella is shown pole dancing on a collapsing clocktower with dual katanas. Jasmine manages a CrossFit gym and owns a pit bull named “Bookz.” Ariel has given up her voice not for legs, but to “keep the peace, and not stir things up, because honestly, she prefers to listen.”
And Snyder isn’t stopping with Disney. He teased expansions into other childhood franchises that, in his words, “never gave us emotionally stunted, hypersexualized female characters that adult men could reasonably imagine proposing to in a Bass Pro Shop.”
Projects in development include:
April from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, reimagined as “just as hot as the 1980s version.”
A reboot of Space Jam starring a “less political lead athlete” and a “Absolute Smokeshow Lola Bunny.”
Though Disney executives were reportedly blindsided by the announcement, internal sources admit Snyder’s designs have tested exceptionally well with their core demographic: 46 year old men who watch UFC religiously, have Punisher decals on their lifted trucks, and unironically refer to women as “females”.
Critics, meanwhile, have raised concerns over the aggressive sexualization and regressive undertones. In particular, Belle’s revised character arc, which reportedly involves “never questioning the Beast’s violent outbursts and instead focuses on making him happy to avoid further conflict.”
But Snyder remains unfazed. “These stories were always about transformation,” he said. “I’m just transforming them into something darker, more primal, and more appealing to men who think therapy is for weaklings and emotional vulnerability is a psy op funded by the deep state…. Because it is.”
He paused, staring into the middle distance.
“Also, everyone will be really fuckin hot.”
