REPORT: Sports Page Says Female Athlete I Dislike Said Something Maddening, and I’m Mad As Hell About It
Local man Chauncey Whitman, 53, was sent into an uncontrollable rage Monday evening after scrolling past a social media post featuring Angel Reese’s name, a pair of quotation marks, and her photo… An indisputable trifecta of authenticity proving, beyond all doubt, that she had said the unforgivable words within the quotation being shared by an internet page.
“This woman is out of control!” Whitman bellowed, his fingers already itching to hammer out a comment before even reading the full post. “She wants more money just for playing sports, and now she’s coming after my flag? Where does it end?”
The offending post featured an image of Reese holding a sign that read, “Ban Yellow Snake Flags” a message that struck directly at the heart of everything Whitman stood for.
Its oddly specific nature, eerily aligned with his personal interests, did give him momentary pause. Almost as if… it were intentionally designed to provoke him. But no, that was impossible. The internet would never deceive him like this.
It was obviously a targeted assault on him, his values, and, upon further reflection, his very existence.
“This is EVERYTHING that’s wrong with society today,” he ranted in all caps, pacing the room as he furiously typed his response.
“I can’t believe this woman I already don’t like wants to take my snake flag! If she’s against my snake flag, then what else is she against? I have no choice but to assume she’s against America itself.”
Despite never clicking the post for context, investigating the source, or noticing certain glaring anomalies: such as Reese possessing 13 fingers in the photo. Whitman was certain this was exactly how totalitarian regimes begin.
First, they come for the snake flags. Then, they come for suburban dads. Then, inevitably, they seize his guns and obliterate his sense of masculine identity.
“She shouldn’t even be allowed to have opinions!” he raged, lamenting the downfall of a once-proud nation. “Meanwhile, no one is focusing on my First Amendment rights to own as many snake flags as I want!”
“This isn’t about race,” he added unprompted, despite no one in the comment section suggesting it was. “It’s about respect. And patriotism. And… uh… basic human decency. Which she clearly lacks!”
At press time, Whitman was seen sharing a blurry, misspelled meme about how “back in his day,” athletes were silent, humble, and grateful, with an alleged quote from famous patriot Sam Elliott.
