Jay Cutler Announces He’s Launching a Brand of Jeans Designed for Men Who Don’t Give a Fuck About Jeans

Former Bears quarterback Jay Cutler announced today that he’s launching a new brand of jeans specifically designed for people who don’t give a fck about jeans… by people who don’t give a fck about jeans.

“The other day, I was wandering around my house trying to figure out what to wear,” Cutler explained, reflecting on the spark of genius that led to his latest business venture. 

“My ex-wife used to do all my shopping. Hell, she used to dress me. Now that she’s gone, I just kind of stare at my closet. I have this whole drawer full of jeans she bought me, and I realized I don’t care about any of them. Like, at all. And that’s when it hit me… What if there was a brand for people like me? People who don’t want to think about jeans, but that still wear jeans? And just like that, out of sheer apathy, ‘D.G.A.F. Jeans’ was born.”

Cutler’s revolutionary concept? One pair of jeans. That’s it. No skinny, no slim, no bootcut, no distressed, no “dad fit.” Just whatever jeans he happened to make first that fit him personally. One size, one wash, sized for Jay Cutler. If they fit you, great. If they don’t? Buy different jeans.

The company’s slogan, scrawled on a napkin and handed to reporters:
“One Fit. One Style. One Size. Who Cares. Quit Talking About Jeans.”

“Every time I walk into a store, I see people just agonizing over denim. For what? Who is out here writing love letters to their jeans? I’m not dating jeans. I just need some pants so I can go grab a beer with the boys without getting arrested,” Cutler muttered, exhaling cigarette smoke on his back porch, staring blankly into the distance.

He continued, “Jeans don’t need to be complicated. That’s why we’re keeping it simple. One jean. One fit. One wash. Either they work, or they don’t. It’s not my problem.”

Cutler is confident in his approach. He made it clear to us during the interview that he’s rich already, and he’s not here to cater to anyone’s particular fit, body type, or taste.

“What do I care if people don’t like my jeans? Do you have any idea how much money I have?” he asked casually. “If I sell a bunch, great. If I sell none? Even better. I’ll have a lifetime supply of jeans that fit me perfectly, and I’ll never have to wash a pair again. Honestly, I prefer that outcome. Please, don’t buy these jeans.”

But why stop at jeans? Cutler sees limitless potential in applying his signature indifference to other industries. 

“You ever notice how many types of milk there are? Why? Who needs this many milks? I’m thinking of starting a milk company called ‘Jay’s Milk Maybe.’ No ingredient list, no confusing percentages to weed through, no descriptions. Just a bottle or a bag with white liquid in it that tastes like what you remember milk tasting like. Might be cow’s milk, might not be. Who cares as long as it tastes like milk? You can probably put it in cereal. You’re welcome for cutting down on dairy aisle decision fatigue.” 

And for those who drink cashew or almond milk Cutler says: “I don’t know what any of that means.”