Ohio Lawmakers Introduce Bill Declaring Helmet Bludgeons to Mason Rudolph’s Face as Legal Self-Defense
"Look at this thing."
Ohio State Representative Deborah "Deb" Calloway took a deep breath before dramatically gesturing toward the oversized poster board dominating the chamber.
The image: Mason Rudolph’s smug, puffy, thoroughly punchable face, loomed over the session like a harbinger of instinctual violence.
"But don’t look at it too long," she cautioned, her tone shifting to something almost sympathetic, as if she were addressing a room full of people fighting off the same intrusive thoughts.
"That rage you’re feeling, deep down in your gut, that’s not something to suppress. That’s biology. That’s evolution screaming at you to correct an imbalance in the universe. And frankly? That’s not something to be ashamed of."
She turned away from the image, forcing herself to focus, her hands gripping the podium like a woman resisting a gravitational pull. "This," she said, jabbing a finger over her shoulder, "is the human biological response to looking at this stupid f---- face."
She began pacing, her movements sharp, agitated... like a coach in the final minutes of a game, rallying her team for a decisive play.
"And no man... no woman... should face criminal charges for acting on the overwhelming instinct this face stirs within them. Not in the heat of battle. Not in the name of justice. And especially not now, when Myles Garrett has committed his future to the Browns for a few more years, and will be in our great state for the next 5 years."
She paused, letting the room settle. "But make no mistake... this isn’t just about Myles Garrett. It’s not just about the Browns. This is about the great state of Ohio. This is about the Bengals. Because as of last week, that face...." She paused to angrily grind her teeth.
That godforsaken, irredeemable face... has signed a contract with the Pittsburgh Steelers."
A murmur rippled through the chamber. Someone whispered, "Dear God."
"And we," Calloway declared, her voice rising to a crescendo, "owe it to our players, to our communities, to protect them from the unspeakable torment of facing this face twice a year. Not just this season. But for YEARS TO COME. For however long this face breathes out of its stupid mouth."
Silence.
The room, for a moment, was still. Lawmakers shifted uncomfortably in their seats, staring at their desks, unwilling to make eye contact with the poster board that threatened their stability.
It was Calloway who finally broke the silence.
"Now. Who’s with me?"
