Study Finds: Talking About Your Fantasy Football Team is Still the Easiest Way to Get Laid

In a new study set to be published in 2024, Harvard scientists claim they’ve confirmed the correlation between talking about your fantasy team and getting people to fuck you.

“The results of this test confirm what men have already known for decades: That talking about your fantasy team, regardless of context or whether the topic was solicited, is still the best way to get friends, acquaintances, waitresses, and girls on Tinder to fuck you.” Says the head of Harvard fuck studies, Takaaki Kajita.

“It doesn’t matter if you’re buying coffee, attending a dinner party with friends, or are actively officiating a wedding. Everyone in your vicinity wants to hear updates or anecdotes about your fantasy football team at all times as they envision making love to you. Our research concludes without a shadow of a doubt that whomever should overhear the sexually charged tales of heroism or defeat from your fantasy campaigns will likely present themselves to you in the nude within a matter of minutes.”

When asked how this research could be used in everyday society, Takaaki elaborated on his concrete science based findings— While also cautioning those who choose to wield these newly science backed powers.

“Let’s say hypothetically there was a fantasy sleeper that you talked up all off-season and then hit on during your fantasy draft that helped you win your league. Talk about the success of drafting that sleeper abruptly and without invitation to any romantic crushes you may have in your life.  On the flip side of that, you may want to hold off on your sleeper story around grandma who is likely already severely dehydrated. Just like your crush, our research concludes the sexual powers of your fantasy reminiscence work on any human, regardless of relation or gender. So we urge everyone to proceed with extreme caution so you’re not accidentally arousing loved ones at Thanksgiving, or a good buddy during a remote hunting trip. I think it goes without saying that the sexual powers of any fantasy football trophy you may possess are limitless. ”

At press time, many fantasy league commissioners reflected on why the majority of their fantasy draft parties tend to end in orgies.