Tom Brady Admits Primary Motivation to Retire to Never Miss Toyotathon Ever Again
Years after his legendary NFL career came to an end, Tom Brady has finally opened up about the true reason he retired: the allure of Toyota’s once-a-year savings finale, Toyotathon.
“I played 23 seasons in the NFL, and for 22 of them, I took massive financial hits by missing out on Toyotathon,” said Brady, a seven-time Super Bowl champion and self-admitted former full-MSRP Toyota buyer.
“I had to hang it up. I couldn’t stomach another year of blowing all my free cash on cars without maintenance packages while missing out on the deals of a lifetime.”
Brady didn’t mince words about the impact of those missed opportunities. “The window for Toyotathon is painfully short—mid-November through the end of December. That’s playoff prep season. The only year I experienced it properly was 2008, and that was thanks to Bernard Pollard blowing out my ACL. I send him a Christmas card every year, thanking him for giving me the freedom to go buck wild at my local Toyota dealership that year.”
He continued, reminiscing on what he called “the greatest two months of my life.”
“From November 15th to January 3rd, 2009, I lived at the Toyota dealership in Brookline, Massachusetts. Day one? Prius. Day two? Prius. Day three? Another Prius. All below MSRP. All stacked with insane incentives—three years of ToyotaCare, free roadside assistance. Toyota was practically paying me to drive these cars." The Greatest QB ever to play said with tears in his eyes.
"That’s when it hit me: every moment I wasn’t at a dealership during Toyotathon, I was losing money. And losing money, over time, eats away at everything: your retirement plans, your marriage, your self-respect. My kids looked at me with disdain every year as I rolled up to the driveway in Ferraris and Bugattis, none of which came with complimentary satellite radio or free car wash Sundays. Do you know what that does to a man?”
Brady took aim at his former NFL peers who he believes figured out the system. “Kirk Cousins, Derek Carr, Matt Ryan, and Lamar Jacson—guys with no rings but fat bank accounts. They know the secret. Perfectly timed season collapses, freeing up their schedules to hit Toyotathon like pros. Meanwhile, I’m out there battling Manning, Brees, and Roethlisberger for rings while missing out on popcorn and Fresca at every service visit.”
Brady admitted his retirement came down to a simple cost-benefit analysis. “I could keep winning Super Bowls and lose money, or I could quit, finally participate in Toyotathon, and secure generational wealth. Honestly, the choice wasn’t that hard.”
At press time, sources revealed that the FBI had opened an investigation into Mike Tomlin’s suspicious conclusion to the 2022 NFL season, amid reports that he was spotted daily at the “Happy Honda Days” event.
