MRI Confirms Brutus Buckeye’s Giant Nut Head is Actually Packed with Tumors

"We first suspected something was wrong when Brutus's head measured roughly 12 times the size of a normal human’s," remarked Dr. Rajesh Patel, a leading physician at Ohio State University.

"There were other glaring abnormalities as well," Dr. Patel explained. "Brutus genuinely believed his head was that size and color because it was a giant, inedible dried nut native to Ohio. But after conducting an MRI, we realized the reality is far darker—his head is that size because it’s packed with an unthinkable number of tumors. Frankly, it’s astonishing that his head hasn’t burst under the strain."

Dr. Patel continued, sharing his disbelief: "How this man has been allowed to perform for over 50 years—dancing, waving, and generally ignoring the basic biological nightmare happening inside his skull—is beyond me. His head isn’t just big; it’s grotesquely oversized, his eyes are the size of cantaloupes, and his unblinking stare screams, 'I need medical attention,' not 'Go Bucks.' Honestly, Ohio State fans should have noticed this decades ago. Even for a ‘nut man,’ this is far from normal. Which, might I add, nut men aren’t a real thing."

The doctor went on to describe Brutus's worsening condition. "He can’t speak, he can’t close his eyes, and his mouth is perpetually open, likely from the sheer pressure of the tumors crammed into his skull. The only things he seems capable of doing are waving his arms in the air, holding up one finger, and miming guitar riffs after touchdowns. These aren’t the actions of a healthy man—they’re the desperate motions of someone being crushed under the weight of his own oversized, tumor-filled head."

Dr. Patel concluded his remarks with a scathing critique: "This is a tragedy, plain and simple. And it’s not just Brutus who should be ashamed of ignoring his health—it’s Ohio State fans and the entire university. They’ve paraded him around like this for decades, treating him like a mascot when, in reality, he’s a walking cry for help. Someone should’ve intervened long before his head became a national spectacle."

Ohio State University has yet to comment on Brutus’s diagnosis, though insiders report he’s still planning to appear at the next College Playoff game, tumors and all.