Urban Meyer Offers Texas His Services to Kick Their Kicker Until He Stops Missing Kicks
After witnessing Bert Auburn's repeated struggles to put the ball between the uprights against Arizona State, nearly handing the game away, coaching icon-turned-professional spectacle Urban Meyer has allegedly reached out to Texas head coach Steve Sarkisian with a proposition.
“I watched that little floofy-haired beta nearly tank your season last night, and honestly, I felt like throwing up," Meyer reportedly told Sarkisian during an unsolicited 7 a.m. phone call. According to sources, the call came while Sarkisian was still trying to figure out why Auburn's kicks looked more like someone's freshman-year art project than actual scoring attempts.
“Look, Steve," Meyer reportedly continued, "I’ve worked with kickers for years. And by ‘worked with,’ I mean I’ve barely tolerated their presence. The problem is you give them an ounce of freedom, and suddenly they’re demanding respect, hydration breaks, and—God forbid—a handshake after the game. Disgusting. You have to let them know their place. And sometimes, that means delivering a well-timed, uh… motivational tap to the rear. Or shin. Or wherever I’m aiming that day.”
Meyer, who famously (and allegedly) kicked Jaguars kicker Josh Lambo during his ill-fated stint as an NFL head coach, claims his patented "no respect for specialists" methodology could be the answer to Texas’ kicking woes. “These nerds respond to one thing and one thing only—a hierarchy of fear. My fee’s not cheap, but it’s worth it. And I’ll throw in punters too. I’ll stomp those guys back into compliance if they start acting like they belong,” Meyer declared, before spitting on the ground like he was erasing the thought itself.
