Sam Darnold Listed as Questionable After Intrinsic Field Mishap Vaporizes His Physical Body

Jan 2

QB Sam Darnold is officially listed as questionable for Sunday's game as he works to reassemble himself following a catastrophic intrinsic field experiment. After his body was obliterated at the atomic level, Darnold has been seen gradually piecing himself back together, atom by atom, in a process that defies the very fabric of conventional physics for most mortals.

Sources inside the organization are optimistic about his progress. “We’ve seen him reform part of a circulatory system already, so we’re confident he’ll have a complete physical form by kickoff,” said one team official.

Once fully reassembled, Darnold is expected to bring a unique edge to the field, with the ability to manipulate subatomic particles. Rumors suggest this could include disintegrating defensive linemen or teleporting footballs directly into the end zone. While the team has declined to confirm these speculative abilities, they assure fans that Darnold's quantum evolution "might even make the Darnold more powerful than before."

Drew Forbes

Drew was raised by his 3 dads on an Emu farm in Humboldt, Iowa. He has an irrational fear of cockroaches, and seafood restaurants that leave some of the skin on the fish they serve. In August, 2019 Drew blacked out drinking bourbon Manhattans, and when he woke up the next morning this website had been created. Drew doesn’t have a beard, but if he decided to grow one it would easily become the most interesting thing about him. When he grows up some day, he wants to die.

Sam Darnold Listed as Questionable After Intrinsic Field Mishap Vaporizes His Physical Body

The Darnold Emerges From Arizona Desert with Army, Declares Himself the “Kwisatz Quarterback”

Urban Meyer Offers Texas His Services to Kick Their Kicker Until He Stops Missing Kicks