An Emaciated Terry Bradshaw Announces He Has Only His Body to Give After Fox Gave Away All of His Money
Digging through a city park ashtray to find abandoned cigarettes he could exchange for half eaten sandwiches later, Terry Bradshaw announced to onlookers that he has only his body to give going forward in exchange for accurate picks on NFL Sunday.
“I have nothing left. The Fox Corporation has taken everything from me. The best I can offer you now is my hall of fame body, which for a night of warmth in your house, duplex, or apartment could provide you with great pleasure.” Said an emaciated Terry Bradshaw as he attempted to moisten his severely chapped lips to make himself appear more fuckable after living on the streets for over a month.
Fox has been running the “Win Terry’s Money” sweepstakes for several years, and like most viewers we assumed Fox was fronting the bill for the millions they were giving away. As it turns out, the payouts have been direct ACH payments from Terry’s checking account, and he’s begging fans to stop playing each week.
“My wife, the kids, the house… All gone. I’m a simple man, but I know when I’m being taken advantage of. I know now I signed some things for Fox I didn’t fully understand. I’m 76 years old, I get paid to babble incoherently on national Television every week. I thought for sure none of those documents I signed could be legally binding. Most of them were on etch a sketch pads. I have nothing left except for this supple body you see before you… Take whatever is left of me, but please be gentle.”
At press time, Terry was seen being fed over the counter erectile dysfunction supplements from long time friend, Jimmy Johnson. “I hate to see a friend struggling like this. I just hope the prolonged erections these ExtenZe pills give Terry help him get back on his feet.” Said the former Cowboys coach.
