Professional Bowler Suspended After Testing Negative for Marijuana
The Professional Bowlers Association announced this week they are suspending bowling star, Kyle Troup after testing negative for marijuana.
“This rule is put into place to protect the integrity of this great league.” Said PBA commissioner, Willie Marcial.
“You might disagree with the rule, but it is still a rule. All that we ask is that our bowlers habitually smoke the stickiest of the icky while competing in our league. Preferably just prior to or in the process of bowling, but that's only a suggestion."
"At minimum we expect our athletes to hit a vape pen just prior to sleeping or smashing a greasy sack of In-N-Out Burger.” Marcial stated, his eyes glazed over in that iconic red, his belly sluggish with gyro meat and Takis.
“We're not saying people who don't smoke weed are bad people, we just don't trust them to play a game like this professionally. It's a slippery slope to tolerate a league full of grown ass men who choose to raw dog reality while striving to become the greatest bowler on the planet.”
The PBA decided to test Troup after TMZ released photos of him eating a salad at a local mall food court. Given the option of Sbarro's and a host of MSG-laden Asian dishes, Troup chose a salad with vinaigrette—a red flag that bowling officials are trained to spot to root out suspiciously sober players.
The PBA has a long-standing, unspoken agreement that a certain level of inebriation, whether from alcohol, marijuana, or a combination of both, is essential for optimal performance.
"This is bowling, not some high-intensity Olympic sport like track or breakdancing," said veteran bowler Pete Weber, casually taking a puff from a joint after scooping a key bump of Fun Dip.
"We can't have athletes coming into this sport thinking, ‘I need to master this children’s game that middle-aged drinking buddies use as an excuse to get wasted in front of their kids every few years.’ That's psychotic behavior. We don't need that kind of toxic energy in our game."
“There's no excuse for my actions, weed just makes me a little paranoid and lazy sometimes.” Said deplorable square Kyle Troup, his eyes white as snow.
“In truth, I've been living a lie. All of my prior positive tests have been faked using the urine of my neighbor Hank in exchange for Call of Duty DLC map packs. My bowling journey has been shamefully paved in sobriety. I don't even drink. I'm a monster, and I deserve every bit of scorn that comes my way.”
At the press time, Troup announced his retirement from bowling, removing his iconic afro toupee and revealing that he’s never really been a fan of the band Phish.
