Aaron Rodgers Tells Jets He’s Nearly Taken Enough Drugs to Play for Them Again This Season

Aaron Rodgers informed the Jets today that he believes he’s close to finding the sweet spot of psychedelic drugs to return to the team and play Quarterback for them again this season.

According to sources close to Rodgers, the superstar podcaster and notable quarterback has been diligently experimenting with various psychedelic substances in hopes of finding the right mix that would enable him to make a triumphant return to the Jets after an injury cut his 2023 season down to a brief, but meaningful 75 seconds.

"I've tried everything from LSD to ayahuasca, but nothing seemed to work until I stumbled upon a perfect combination of psilocybin, DMT, and peyote that will allow me to dissociate for 17 games this season," Rodgers explained at a press conference. "It's like a switch has been flipped inside of me, and I feel like I’m finally mentally ready to make $50 million next year for a fanbase that will quickly grow to resent everything about me."

Rodgers went on to explain that the psychedelic experience has given him a new perspective on the game of football, allowing him to see the field in a completely different way by no longer caring about winning or losing.

"I used to get frustrated when my receivers would drop passes or my offensive line would break down, but now I realize that everything is connected and that we're all just players in a cosmic game," he said. "The drugs allow me to see the patterns and flows of the game more clearly, which will allow me to not stress about trivial things like earning a contract a franchise just mortgaged their entire future to acquire."

Despite the potential legal and ethical issues surrounding Rodgers' drug use, many of his teammates and coaches have expressed support for his newfound approach to the game.

"We’re excited and thankful Rodgers was able to self-medicate to the point that he was able to convince himself we were a viable option again," said Jets head coach Robert Saleh. "I just hope he doesn't get too carried away and start microdosing before games. But we do want to make it clear that we will take Aaron Rodgers no matter how sober he chooses to be during games after watching Zach Wilson try to make downfield reads for two seasons."

As for Rodgers, he's confident that his new approach will help lead the Jets to the promised land, which he later clarified was finishing third in the AFC East.