Four Month Bender Ends as Hungover Lions Fan Remembers He Roots for the Lions

Jan 20

Shouts of panic erupted from the bathroom of a Detroit man’s home this morning as he emerged from a four-month denial bender, only to be blindsided by a crushing realization: he still roots for the Lions.

“There was this glorious two-month stretch where everything was going so right,” he said, his voice cracking as he clung to the bathroom sink for support. “I’d started to believe... really believe... that we’d buried 50 years of disappointment. Turns out, I just forgot.”

The man, now visibly shaken, recounted how the Lions’ improbable 15-2 season had lulled him into a state of overconfidence. “It was like I had amnesia. I ignored all the warning signs: the decades of futility, the Thanksgiving meltdowns, that 0-16 season. By Week 8, I was telling people we were the NFL’s team of destiny. Destiny! Me! A Lions fan!”

He glanced over at the mountain of team gear piled in the corner, purchased during what he described as “a euphoric haze of misguided hope.” Among the items were multiple jerseys, a Lions themed cornhole set, and a custom license plate that read “GO2SBWL,” which now felt less like a declaration and more like a cruel joke.

Drew Forbes

Drew was raised by his 3 dads on an Emu farm in Humboldt, Iowa. He has an irrational fear of cockroaches, and seafood restaurants that leave some of the skin on the fish they serve. In August, 2019 Drew blacked out drinking bourbon Manhattans, and when he woke up the next morning this website had been created. Drew doesn’t have a beard, but if he decided to grow one it would easily become the most interesting thing about him. When he grows up some day, he wants to die.

Four Month Bender Ends as Hungover Lions Fan Remembers He Roots for the Lions

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