Boneless Wings and Christmas Dreams: The Legend of John Daly’s Holiday Break-In
According to legend, if you leave 6 boneless wings and a couple of loose cigarettes on your kitchen table on Christmas night, a visibly sweaty John Daly will forcefully enter your home to bring you and your family Christmas cheer while you sleep.
He doesn’t fly on a sleigh or have reindeer. Daly arrives in a 2002 Pontiac Firebird. He usually brings a buddy along to blow into the court-appointed breathalyzer to get the engine running.
At first, the jolly Daly, his rosy eczema cheeks jiggling like a bowl full of yum yum sauce, will attempt to enter your home through the chimney.
After realizing he lacks both the upper body strength and motivation to climb your roof, he’ll smash through the back window using a Hooters-branded crab claw cracker he always keeps on hand "for emergencies."
Unlike Santa, Daly doesn’t deliver gifts... He's not trying to "steal Santa’s hustle." Instead, he rifles through your fridge for snacks, critiques your condiment selection, tests out your recliners, and leaves a whimsical cloud of cigarette smoke lingering in the air.
The highlight of the visit is the personalized napkin note he leaves, scrawled in BBQ sauce, rating your wife based on family photos he's able to dislodge from your wall and bring to your bathroom.
This Arkansas-exclusive tradition is capped off by Daly’s departure, where he takes a swig from a gas station Big Gulp, flips off your security system from the driveway, and yells, “Skynyrd rules!” before the Firebird sputters into the night.
