Horrified Mrs. Rivers Worries What Retirement May Mean for Uterus
A terrified Mrs. Rivers shared her thoughts on what the retirement of her husband means for the future of the Indianapolis Colts, and on a more personal level, her besieged Uterus.
“I know Colts fans were worried about what my husband’s retirement might mean for their team’s future. He was an inspiration to so many people. If you only knew what that same decision also means for me and my internal organs.” Said Mrs. Rivers in a press conference this morning. “For you and your city, you get a veteran presence that you hope can carry your dominant roster to another postseason. For me, I get a refreshed horn dog, free from the shackles of the wear and tear of an intense season of bodily abuse. The damages Philip’s body takes on an annual basis from 16 games in the NFL are the only things keeping me at relative peace. For the sake of myself, the K-12 boarding school I’m currently running within my own home, and the sanctity of my final years. I urge you to extend my husband indefinitely as your Quarterback.”
Philip Rivers played in the NFL for 16 seasons, and within that timeframe he’s sired a baseball team. People often joke about the 9 children born in the Rivers family, but few express concerns for the actual victims in all this: Mrs. Rivers’ and her bombarded fallopian tubes. Tubes that have taken more mortar blasts in the past two decades than most countries at war. The regular season and playoffs of the NFL are the only thing keeping Mrs. Rivers from breaking a bakers dozen brood. The governor of Indiana recently spoke out on behalf of their state, with concern for the booming population of their new residents.
“This issue goes far beyond our beloved Colts. This is a matter of Humanitarianism, about order within our community. The booming Rivers population within our fine state concerns me greatly. I fear without the obstacle of the NFL season to slow down Philip’s thrusting, we may become over-run like a Biblical flood of Rivers.” Said Indiana Governor, Eric Holcomb. “Human reproduction is something that has always been important to me. But at some point this no longer can be classified as human. Our beloved Quarterback, with all his zest for life, is edging dangerously close to possum-like in his replication of his genes. At what point do we view this regimented reproduction as a tactical mobilization of bodies for war? We haven’t seen anything like this since Ghengis Khan during the Ghengisid dynasty. We must find a way to curtail Philip’s f*cking at any cost. Even if his weary bones prevent us from winning a Super Bowl next season. It’s not his arm or leg bones I’m concerned of. It’s the one in his trousers that threatens us all.”
“This puts me in a really tight spot for this upcoming season.” Said Colts head coach, Frank Reich. “On one hand I have a past his prime QB that may be a liability to my team’s success. On the other hand I have a woman who may lose another 9 months of her life. On a third hand I have a state that may or may not be facing insurrection from a guerilla army of Rivers. I thought Andrew Luck leaving was hard to deal with. This sh*ts just getting weird. Wear a condom Phil. You don’t need to be bitten by a snake to know he’s venomous. We’ll take your word for it.”
“I’m not asking for much, maybe just one more contract to buy me some time. Fund my research while I figure out my next move.” Said a weary Mrs. Rivers as she tried to remember the name of her 7th child. “Maybe if he gets one more $25 million contract we can throw a party. Get Philip drunk, and possibly arrange an impromptu vasectomy while he sleeps. I don’t know, I’m just spit-balling at this point. I’m just trying to grant some respite to my reproductive system. It needs a vacation. Right now it’s like a Motel 6. I’m looking to turn the ‘No Vacancy’ sign on again.”
