Kirk Herbstreit Proposes Alternative College Playoff Format with Final 12 Teams Chosen by Committee in July
"This system will ensure a great Playoff every season," Herbstreit declared, tapping a whiteboard that simply bore an Alabama symbol, as Nick Saban looked on aroused.
"By eliminating the guesswork of trivial things... like playing a schedule and being forced to beat the teams on that schedule during a 'Regular season' that means nothing, we cut out the middle man. We just shoehorn in the teams we all really want to see," Herbstreit explained, already mentally drafting a tweet about his dog to soften the blow of his unabashed elitist simping.
According to Herbstreit's master plan, the selection committee would convene in July, in a secret location (presumably somewhere in Alabama or Georgia but never Indiana... NEVER INDIANA), to pick the 12 teams. The criteria?
"Being in the SEC helps, certainly. But it isn't the only thing." Herbstreit told reporters before going silent for several minutes.
"What's the other criteria then, Kirk?" a reporter finally asked, piercing the quiet.
"Yes." Kirk said, smiling as if putting the issue to bed.
Critics were quick to point out the obvious flaws. "What about the regular season? What about the thrill of the upset?" asked a bewildered reporter, to which Herbstreit retorted smugly,
"The thrill is knowing your team is already in. Or not in, if you're cheering for despicable underdogs like IU, who should know better than to dream of glory they'll never achieve. No stress, no mess, just the finest SEC teams clashing, with the occasional, selective inclusion of Clemson, Oregon, Michigan, or Ohio State. But sparingly, and with my consent." Herbstreit said, white knuckling a photo of Paul Finebaum under his podium.
"What about teams like FSU?" another reporter inquired.
Herbstreit stared at her for several minutes before erupting into laughter. Nick Saban, beside him, joined in, the two hugging and wheezing from the sheer force of their mirth.
After nearly 15 minutes of laughter that left them gasping for air, they continued.
"And for those not in the SEC, fret not; we've got plans for you. We're considering a 'Non-SEC Bowl', where teams can vie for the title of 'Most Likely to Join the SEC Next'. The inspiration struck me at Thanksgiving, gazing at the kids' table. I thought, these kids need to eat too. But they're not getting wine or steaks. Just some chicken nuggies, while the grown-ups can enjoy themselves." Herbstreit reminisced, with a warm glow of November's memory.
"The winner gets a photo op with me, my dog, and the corpse of Lee Corso provided we have the smell under control that day."
And with a final note, Herbstreit added, "We're doing this to save the sport. If Alabama's hypothetical playoff wins had been taken into consideration, we would have avoided the travesty of football that was last weekend."
