Bears Nearing Agreement on 10-Year Deal to Name Urban Meyer as Head Coach

Dec 27

Sources close to the Chicago Bears have revealed that a contract with coaching legend Urban Meyer will be signed the day following their last game of the 2024 regular season.

The contract is rumored to be valued at a staggering $300 million, with various incentives included. Among these, Meyer will have partial control over General Manager duties and an unusual perk allowing him to use up to 80% of the team’s unused salary cap on bar tabs across Chicago.

Perhaps the most eyebrow-raising clause is Meyer's self-written amendment, reportedly penned in his own blood, granting him the authority to discipline kickers "by any means Urban sees fit."

This new chapter for the Bears is set to herald a golden age for the franchise. Said Poles to the press this morning: "We're the Chicago F---- Bears. What could possibly go wrong?"

Drew Forbes

Drew was raised by his 3 dads on an Emu farm in Humboldt, Iowa. He has an irrational fear of cockroaches, and seafood restaurants that leave some of the skin on the fish they serve. In August, 2019 Drew blacked out drinking bourbon Manhattans, and when he woke up the next morning this website had been created. Drew doesn’t have a beard, but if he decided to grow one it would easily become the most interesting thing about him. When he grows up some day, he wants to die.

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