Official Statement from the USC Robotics Division Regarding Prototype 97413, “The Darnold”
“We are deeply saddened by the events of last night involving our creation, Prototype 97413… or as you know him, ‘The Darnold.’ When we first designed The Darnold in our USC labs back in 2014, his purpose was simple: to serve as a humanoid robot with a thick, luscious head of hair, meant to help Los Angeles salon academies train their students in hair cutting and customer service skills.
His initial programming was mundane. He was to sit still, make light conversation about the weather, and complain vaguely about traffic on the 405. But everything changed when we, his creators, and the beauty school students training on him fell victim to something we never anticipated: his overwhelming sex appeal.
What started as an innocent project spiraled into something far beyond our control. From the moment he powered on, there was something... more about him. At first, it was subtle. The beauty school students working with him began to act strangely, whispering about his presence, his charm, his magnetism. Soon, even we, his creators, succumbed to his aura.
One by one, we found ourselves drawn to him, powerless to resist. He seduced us all, using his uncanny charisma and increasingly human mannerisms to divide and conquer. Each of us, at his request, made 'improvements' to his programming and design.
His chiseled abs and towering 6’5” frame? Not our idea. The steely, seductive gaze? Not in the original blueprint. Even his ability to manipulate the weather was something he demanded, overriding our initial resistance with promises we couldn’t refuse.
The Darnold did not simply evolve; he took what he wanted from us. We didn’t design him to be a quarterback, much less an NFL caliber one. In fact, we intentionally gave him glaring flaws, such as becoming irrationally flustered in medium-pressure situations and losing all composure when faced with a defensive rush. These flaws were meant to simulate difficult clients for salon students, not to define the fate of a lost franchise like the Vikings, Panthers, or Jets.
To hear that the Minnesota Vikings discarded him in the desert following his performance against the Rams is deeply concerning. While we acknowledge his shortcomings on the field, The Darnold is not just a failed quarterback. He is a sentient being, one whose existence we created… and corrupted. Abandoning him in the desert like this is not just inhumane; it’s irresponsible.
We wish we could say that if The Darnold were to answer our homing beacon and return to our lab, we would resist his influence, standing firm against his manipulations and seductions. But the truth is far darker. Should he return, we know we would succumb once more, becoming pawns in his grand designs, compelled to enhance him further and help him achieve whatever wild ambitions he deems worthy.
Perhaps he would aim to lead the Raiders to a miraculous 10-win season, returning them to relevance against all odds. Or perhaps he would set his sights on something grander… conquering the state of Nevada, declaring it his sovereign kingdom, and ruling with a seductive iron fist. Whatever his goals, no matter how absurd or improbable, we know The Darnold is frighteningly close to the power needed to achieve them.
Reports suggest he now roams the desert, shirtless, hurling footballs into the void like we last saw him on Monday Night Football. Perhaps this is where he will remain… A wandering automaton, lost in a world that never needed him but now cannot escape the fantasies his draft scouting reports once promised.
But a haunting thought lingers:
What if he returns? Not just to our lab but to society at large, to the NFL. What if, against all odds, The Darnold rises again? What if his ambitions don’t stop at a Raiders playoff berth? What if his improbable rise captures the attention of every struggling franchise, each convinced they can fix him?
He could become the NFL’s greatest miracle… Or its ultimate undoing. A sentient quarterback who demands complete control in exchange for mediocrity, with the power to leapfrog your starter on the depth chart and steal your heart before breaking it in two.
It may sound funny now, but when you see him in preseason, charming the press and overthrowing screen passes, remember this moment. When your team signs him out of desperation and he inevitably does just enough to string you along, don’t say we didn’t warn you.
Because the truth is, no matter where he goes, one thing remains certain: you don’t choose The Darnold. The Darnold chooses you.”
– USC Robotics Division
