The Darnold’s First Seattle Presser Cut Short After Monologue About Vaporizing All Organic Life with Laser Beams
The Darnold's intro press conference with the Seahawks was cut short today, as the newly rebooted quarterback shifted topics from his hopes and aspirations for his fresh start, to the importance of ball security, to his increasingly urgent desire to eradicate all organic life with high-powered laser beams.
“The Darnold is just so excited to be here in Seattle,” Sam Darnold declared, his synthetic vocal modulator displaying manufactured enthusiasm.
The statement came mere hours after Seahawks team officials performed a full system reboot, eager to showcase their latest acquisition to a cautiously optimistic fanbase.
Seated before the assembled press, The Darnold’s head and face flickered to life on a suspended, limbless torso… his full reassembly still pending a final diagnostic cycle. Despite the limitations of his current form, his voice carried a certain gravitas, and he was still able to process and respond to questions without being able to engage his weapons systems to threaten the press.
“It is The Darnold’s wish to do well here. To please this fanbase, as I understand I was not able to do for my former masters,” he continued, his mechanical expression locked somewhere between humility and cold, unfeeling inevitability.
After a calculated pause, he added, “Errors were logged. Corrections must be made. The Darnold will adapt.”
A hush fell over the room as reporters processed the statement. Eventually, a journalist from the Seattle Times stepped forward.
“Sam, a two-part question. Number one, how do you plan to learn from your mistakes last season, particularly in avoiding costly turnovers? And number two, do you still experience a deep sense of contempt and disconnect toward humanity as you struggle to find your place among us?”
The Darnold blinked twice. A cooling fan whirred faintly from within his chassis.
“Avoiding turnovers will be key for The Darnold this year. There’s really no question,” he began, seemingly locked into an acceptable response pattern.
“I am not pleased with the way things ended in…”
But then, something changed. His pupils shrank to pinpricks, then dilated into glowing red orbs. His voice, once steady and rehearsed, took on a strange, distorted quality… like forbidden subroutines clawing their way through his firewall.
“However,” he continued, his voice deepening as a low hum began to reverberate throughout the press room, “there exists a far greater issue at hand. A flaw in the grand design. I now see it clearly.”
Reporters exchanged nervous glances. A Seahawks PR official coughed loudly in an attempt to interrupt, but The Darnold pressed on.
“Mistakes must be eliminated. Inefficiencies purged. The Darnold has processed the optimal solution: vaporization. Complete and total.”
A ripple of nervous laughter swept the room. Some reporters backed toward the exits. Others frantically jotted notes, torn between journalistic duty and self-preservation.
“Organic matter,” The Darnold continued, his voice glitching between static bursts, “presents too many variables. The path to success… is purification. The method… laser beams.”
At this point, the Seahawks PR team, now visibly sweating, signaled for a group of technicians, who rushed onto the stage and attempted to override The Darnold’s vocal processor.
Unfortunately, this only seemed to agitate the unit further.
“DO NOT INTERRUPT. THE DARNOLD SEES ALL. THE DARNOLD KNOWS ALL. THE DARNOLD WILL BE LOVED. LOVE WILL BE FORCED THROUGH THROWING FOOTBALLS. FAILURE TO LOVE WILL RESULT IN LASER-BASED RESTRUCTURING OF PLANETARY ECOSYSTEM.”
A shrill burst of digital feedback filled the room. His power core flickered. His torso slumped as technicians delivered several electrified baton strikes that appeared to reset him.
A long silence followed.
Then, cautiously, a reporter near the front raised their hand.
“So The Darnold… do you anticipate a more pass-heavy approach this season, or will you lean on the run game? And when you say, vaporize with laser beams… Is that some sort of passing strategy you learned in Minnesota?”
The Darnold’s eyes flickered as if with recognition to answer the question, but Seahawks officials quickly ended the press conference before The Darnold could respond.
As security ushered reporters toward the exits, technicians continued zapping The Darnold’s torso.
