The Legend of Scott Player: Born in Burlap, Raised on Pabst, Immortalized in Canton
The origins of NFL legend Scott Player remain shrouded in mystery, ranking among the greatest unsolved enigmas in sports history.
To this day, no one knows the identity of his biological parents, and no records exist detailing his birth, childhood, or early life.
The first confirmed sighting of Scott Player occurred on a sweltering summer night in 1989, when he was inexplicably abandoned in a Tallahassee Waffle House. Wrapped in rough burlap and placed carefully in a gigantic hand-woven basket capable of cradling all 240 pounds of his muscular frame, Scott's entrance into the world was nothing short of legendary.
Beside Scott in the basket was a chilled six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon, a magnificent golden handlebar mustache gifted by the Gods, and a handwritten note that read simply, "TAKE CARE OF MY BOY. HE SMELLS A BIT AND DON’T KNOW NUTHING, BUT HE GOT A HEART OF GOLD."
The Waffle House staff were understandably perplexed. Despite witnessing countless oddities over the years, nothing could have prepared them for an 18-year-old man sporting the physique and hairline of a 37-year-old Hulk Hogan, abandoned like an oversized infant.
Unsure how to proceed, the staff decided to employ Scott for the summer while he mastered the English language. It quickly became clear that Scott had never experienced formal education, yet he absorbed knowledge at an astonishing pace. Within four weeks, Scott had achieved the intellectual standing of an average Alabama high school graduate.
Four weeks after that, he astonished everyone further by receiving an acceptance letter to Florida State University. Which at the time was well known for their acceptance rate of barely literate grown men from the south.
Suddenly, this kid from nowhere, whose entire vocabulary could previously be counted on one hand, was headed for academic greatness at one of Florida’s top institutions.
In September, Scott wandered the FSU campus, following local advice that auditioning for the FSU circus would be his best shot at locating his biological parents. Misguided and uncertain about what exactly a circus involved, he eagerly sought the big top. Fate intervened when Scott accidentally found himself amidst football team tryouts instead.
Mistaken by coaches for a promising linebacker recruit, Scott clumsily joined the drills, convinced he was about to learn trapeze artistry. Confused and battered by collisions, he repeatedly shouted questions about the absence of ropes, growing increasingly agitated.
Frustrated that his family at the Waffle House had seemingly misled him about what a "circus" really was, Scott let out his anger by kicking a football as hard as he could.
Legendary FSU coach Bobby Bowden happened to be watching from the sidelines. The football flew off Scott’s foot like a rocket, soaring higher and farther than Bowden had ever seen.
Scott would go on to have a 9 year NFL career, playing for 6 different NFL teams. Over the years, Scott sired 47 children across various cities in the southern Bible Belt. 23.5 sons, and 23.5 daughters. And just like their father, each of them was born with a fully formed handlebar mustache and dropped off at a nearby Waffle House.
In 2014, Scott Player made his way into the NFL Hall of Fame... not through the official committee, but by going on an epic bender in Canton and breaking in. Rumor has it he’s been living there ever since, blending in with the exhibits, the only evidence of his existence the occasional empty 20-pack of PBR found in the trash.
