Dan Campbell, in Light Armor, Challenges Kyle Shanahan to Single-Man Combat to Settle Monday Night Football
Lions coach Dan Campbell arrived at Levi's Stadium at dawn this morning wearing light armor, bellowing for Kyle Shanahan to show himself and face him like a man. Campbell demanded a duel to spare their "wounded warriors" further harm, declaring the effort to defeat his Lions a "futile endeavor."
"Show yourself, you coward!" Campbell roared into the empty stadium, under the mistaken belief that Kyle Shanahan actually lived there—much like Campbell allegedly actually lives at Ford Field.
"I've scaled your mighty walls to bring you a message of mercy! You don’t have the mettle to break my armor, nor can you hope to defeat me. But for the sake of your butter croissant baby-hands QB, Brock Pretty, let us settle this here and now, man to man, using only the weapons God gave us!"
Campbell reportedly waited several minutes for a response, the stadium's security cameras his only audience.
"Kyle! This is your last chance, nerd! Face me and take your medicine like a man! Both our armies are battered and broken. Let us spare them this pain!"
As stadium security became aware of the spectacle, they began to calmly converge on the field, one guard dialing the local police.
Spotting their advance, Campbell ripped off his shirt, bellowing a battle cry loud enough to send pigeons scattering. "Call off your henchmen, Kyle! This is between us!" he shouted, fists raised and chest gleaming in the morning light.
The guards casually approached, unfazed. Realizing his predicament, Campbell turned to sprint off the field, yelling, "Fine! HAVE IT YOUR WAY KYLE! But I'll return at dusk! Stonger, shinier, and more shredded than ever before!"
