Fictional Premise Rattles Man Holding Fish in Profile Picture
“Fake,” muttered local man with a fish in his profile picture, pausing mid-scroll as a post disrupted his sacred timeline of pictures of dead animals and highly targeted divorce lawyer ads.
Something was off. He could feel it. And as a self deputized Internet Truther with 11 followers that posted in all caps every 13 minutes, he knew it was his solemn duty to expose this sorcery.
“This never happened,” he elaborated, squinting with suspicion at a supposed sports post about a cyborg Quarterback playing in the NFL that shot lasers out of his eyes when he became enraged.
The man, whose entire identity was a holy trinity of fishing, sharing AI-generated photos of Jesus, and leaving paragraph length rants under posts about Angel Reese, was thrown into existential crisis by a fictional scenario he couldn’t connect with real events.
“Who writes this garbage?” he demanded rhetorically, as if Mark Zuckerberg himself were sitting across the room nodding solemnly saying “Get em, Randy. Keep going deeper. You're so close”.
He was disgusted, not just by the post, but by the concept of fiction itself. His entire understanding of “the media” was built on Facebook comments, vague rage bait, and the belief that if something made him uncomfortable, it was probably Antifa. Or Hunter Biden. Or worst of all, Antifa Hunter Biden.
“Get a real job,” he spat toward the ether. “What kinda loser makes up stuff that didn’t never even happen?” he asked, unaware he had just described every fictional piece of literature ever written.
Earlier that month, he’d suffered a full-blown meltdown in the Charlotte Douglas Airport after mistakenly picking up The Lord of the Rings, making it five pages into the prologue before hurling the book across Gate D7 and hollering, “Ain’t no damn way they entrust such a big burden to a feller so small!”
