Aaron Rodgers Thrilled for Opportunity to Disappoint Entirely New Fanbase

Mar 17

Aaron Rodgers, has expressed enthusiasm about a chance at a fresh start: moving to a brand-new city and swiftly dashing the hopes of an entirely new demographic.

Sources close to the quarterback say he’s relishing the opportunity to shake up a fresh locker room, foster wildly unrealistic championship aspirations, and then systematically dismantle all of them with a combination of cryptic press conferences, mid-season existential crises, and baffling public shots at coaches and team personnel.

“The Vikings are a team that’s clearly on the rise, they seem like a team that's building something great.” Rodgers allegedly told close friends this week.

"I can't wait to torch it all and watch it smolder." Witnesses say he punctuated the statement with a self-satisfied chuckle before debating whether to spend training camp on a six-week darkness retreat inside an abandoned missile silo or vanish into the Amazon rainforest to commune with an ancient tribe that speaks only in tongues he could never understand or be held accountable by.

Drew Forbes

Drew was raised by his 3 dads on an Emu farm in Humboldt, Iowa. He has an irrational fear of cockroaches, and seafood restaurants that leave some of the skin on the fish they serve. In August, 2019 Drew blacked out drinking bourbon Manhattans, and when he woke up the next morning this website had been created. Drew doesn’t have a beard, but if he decided to grow one it would easily become the most interesting thing about him. When he grows up some day, he wants to die.

Aaron Rodgers Thrilled for Opportunity to Disappoint Entirely New Fanbase

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