Urban Meyer Being Considered for Vatican’s Pope Vacancy
Vatican officials said this week they’re not ruling out proven winner, Urban Meyer as the next Pope.
“We’ve tried the same strategies for centuries, and it always produces the same predictable outcomes," said a senior Vatican official.
"Attendance at mass is down, booster donations are stagnant, and quite frankly, we're losing the youth market. It’s time for bold leadership. We’d be fools not to consider a man who has won everywhere he's coached… Except Jacksonville, but honestly f— Jacksonville."
“We want an Alpha Pope. A guy that’s used to functioning in a high stress environment. Pope Francis spent a lot of time trying to address the past, and it was a huge bummer. We’re looking for someone that can bring us to the future. We want someone who thrives in chaos, someone who can pretend the past doesn't even exist, who can stand in front of a crowd in Paris after a bender and confidently announce that the Church is headed for a championship caliber year."
Reached for comment at a brewery in Ohio, Meyer appeared completely unsurprised by his potential papal candidacy.
“I mean ya, it’s about time I think. And honestly, why shouldn't I be Pope? I know Tebow. I recruited Tebow. I’m sure I could recruit him back for one last mission. Imagine Tebow out there smashing people in crowds to clear a path for my pope mobile. Everyone loved that Florida team man, I could get the whole crew back together. Percy, Carlos, Pouncey, Cam, Spikes, Hernandez depending on the Pope powers God hooks me up with.” Urban Meyer said.
“And I’m not gonna be one of these nerdy / preachy popes either. I’m here to win, not be some book nerd. I’ve read the Bible before, it’s solid. Drags at times, but it’s solid. I have it on Audible. I’d definitely give it another go if it meant living in a big palace, wearing sick white robes. That’s basically the pitch the Jags threw me. I could make this work for a little bit too.”
Historically, the Vatican has insisted on strict clerical credentials for papal candidates. However, rumors indicate the Vatican might relax certain traditional requirements, particularly the moral and ethical standards, similar to what every football program hiring Urban Meyer has historically done.
A Vatican cardinal, speaking on condition of anonymity, explained, "Forgiveness is kind of our whole brand, and let’s face it… No one has been forgiven more times than Urban Meyer. If anything, that should boost his résumé significantly.”
