Report: Jordon Hudson Just Wearing Bill Belichick’s Face Now
Members of the UNC Athletic program raised eyebrows and voiced serious concerns this week after speculating that their new football coach, Bill Belichick, might actually be his girlfriend, Jordon Hudson, awkwardly disguised beneath Belichick’s recently detached face.
"Honestly, things have been off ever since Bill got here," said a deeply concerned UNC athletic trainer, who asked to remain anonymous. "At first, it was subtle stuff… the requests to add his 24 year old girlfriend on every Email CC, the interviews, the bizarrely aggressive emails from Bill with the distinct emotional tone of a stressed-out young woman in her early 20s…”
“Then things really took a dark turn. The weird press conferences with strangely detailed information about how he keeps his face moisturized, the noticeably slimmer build with smaller breasts than we’re used to with Bill, the distinctively lady like shoulders, and that high-pitched voice struggling desperately to sound masculine but unmistakably belonging to Jordon Hudson who’s wearing Bill’s freshly removed face… I don’t know… something's just not right."
The trainer went on to describe a surreal meeting where Belichick aggressively demanded the entire staff confirm how "convincingly Bill Belichick-y" he looked that day, repeatedly adjusting the loose, flapping skin and snapping at anyone who looked doubtful.
Even more disturbingly, suspicions now include Bill's son, Steve Belichick, who some believe is actively orchestrating the disturbing spectacle. Witnesses reported seeing Steve following "Bill" obsessively, equipped with an entire belt filled with exotic moisturizers and rare oils, continuously spritzing and delicately massaging the loose, sagging facial mask, all the while whispering, “Hydration preserves our truth… Dad.”
The situation reached its most bizarre point yesterday when staff members allegedly stumbled upon Steve and Bill Belichick engaged in a passionate, open mouth kiss in the facility's boiler room. Disturbingly, Steve appeared to plead earnestly with his father to "leave it on," whispering, "It’s better this way."
University officials have yet to comment formally, but sources within the athletic department suggest an internal investigation may soon begin. Until then, students and faculty are advised to stay far away from what appears to be Bill Belichick or Steve’s off-campus toolshed that the two have been retiring to every night.
